A Penny For Your Thoughts
by magooglersriot
Summary: Shepard reflects on the decisons she made and how it affected some members of her crew. Shenko


A Penny For Your Thoughts

A/N: I've never really wrote anything before, but after reading so many great ME fanfics, I thought I would give it a shot. Im not the best writer ever so if I made a mistake please point it out to me. First fanfic ever. (for me)

Hayley Shepard lay in her bed, thinking about all the things that had happened during this long difficult mission against Saren. Back on Eden Prime she lost Corporal Jenkins and Nihlus the Spectre. Now after her last mission on Virmire, her thoughts were cocentrated on the sacrifice of Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams. It was the hardest choice she made in her entire life, choosing who would live and who wouldn't. And it had been a choice she had to make between her two best friends, Kaidan and Ashley. It seemed like such a selfish decison now. Her 'casual' flirting with Lieutenent Alenko aboard the Normandy hadn't made her decision any easier. But she didn't choose to save Kaidan because she liked him, she chose him because he was more up the ranks. It was a strictly profesional decision. But as much as she told herself that, she still couldn't believe it.

She decided that she should go take a walk and get her mind off of Virmire before they docked at the Citadel, so she went up to the helm of the Normandy to talk to Joker. He wasn't the nicest person she'd ever met, but his witty comments always made her laugh. He looked like he always did, lightly fingering the keypad in front of him, staring ahead in to space gazing at the stars outside the window. He was an amazing pilot, so he didn't have much to worry about. As she came up behind him he turned around to see who it was sneaking around him. When he saw the Commander he frowned, sensing she would want to talk to him about Virmire. But to his surprise she sat down in the Co-pilot's seat and said, "How are you doing Joker?"

"Uh, ok I guess. What about you?"

"Me? Well, not too great, as you probably noticed. Can't seem to get my mind of off our last mission..." she said, avoiding eye contact.

_I knew it. I don't know why people think Im so comforting, guess I should take it as a compliment,_ thought Joker. He was going to change the subject, but he knew there had to be a good reason she brought this up."Yeah, Uh... Im sorry about that ma'am, it must have been real hard to chose between Williams and Alenko."

She turned herself so she could look him in the eyes and said, "You don't have to apologize. You didn't do anything. But thank you, I just... I can't stop second guessing myself."

"Well if my opinion counts, ma'am, I think you made the right call."

"Are just saying that to make me feel better? Or do you really think so?"

He paused for a minute, then looked her back in the eyes. "I really think so."

"Thank you." she said in nearly a whisper. He paused for a moment then said, "Your welcome" also in a whisper. Which made Shepard laugh, and that was exactly what he was hoping for. But her laughing at his stupid little joke made Joker laugh also.

"Uh, permission to speak freely, ma'am?"

"Of course." she said, with her brow lifted, to show her slight confusion about what he would say next.

"Don't you think you should, you know, go talk to Kaidan about this? His seemed to be a little depressed since we got back." he said nervously.

She knew he was right, but for some reason she'd been putting it off. "Uh, yeah. Your right, I will once I take a shower first."

She got up from her seat and waited for his reply. "Sure whatever you want Commander." She then stepped closer to him and gave him a kiss on the cheek and said "Thanks for the talk, Joker. I appreciate it." She left so quickly she didn't even notice his blushing face, nor did she hear his reply.

"No problem."

Once Kaidan got back from Virmire, he went to the lower deck to store his equiptment and went right back to his post. But he wasn't really doing work, he just sat there poking at the orange screen infront of him. As much as he wanted to forget today's events, he knew he wouldn't forget this for some time. He thought about the conversations He, Ash, and Shepard shared. About her faith in god, and how she belived her father and grandfather were still watching over her. _At least shes with her family up there. I wonder if shes watching over us right now..._ thought Kaidan.

These, along with other thoughts, running through his mind caused a migrane in his head. He could feel the intense pain shooting through his head. It felt like fireworks were going off behind his eyes. _Oh great, another migrane. _He heard a loud swoosh of a door and saw the Commander leave her quarters and head upstairs. So he entered the medical bay and opened up the cabinet where the doctor kept his migrane medication. But he noticed the doctor wasn't in the room sitting at her desk, where she usually was. And all of a sudden he heard another swoosh of a door at the other side of the room and heard foot steps get close to him, then they stopped. "Hello Kaidan, do you need help with anything?" said the Doctor.

"No thanks, just getting my meds." he told the Doctor, and showed her the serial number on the bottle so she could log it on her computer.

"Another head ache, huh?"

"Yeah, too many thoughts running around up there I guess." He said in a jokingly manner.

She chuckled "I think your assumption is correct."

"Well thank you for the medication. I think I'll take a short nap to realax my muscles."

"Very well." she said as he made his departure out of the med bay and towards the sleeperpods. He opened one of the pods, stuffed himself inside and closed the door.

Shepard made her way pass the Mess Hall, after her talk with Joker, walking towards her quarters and she noticed Kaidan wasn't at his post. She knew about him being an L2, and the migranes he got, so she figured he would be in the med bay. She walked over and entered and saw he was no where to be found in there. But she saw the Doctor at her computer typing something, she stepped towards the Doctor and asked, "Do you know where Kaidan went?"

"Oh, he'd gotten another migrane, and came to get his meds. But he wanted to take a nap to 'relax his muscles', I thought it might be a good idea for him to get some sleep. He hasn't slept since we got back from Feros."

Shepard was a little surprised with what the Doctor had told her, but all she said was "Ok, thanks." and left heading towards her quarters.

Once inside she closed the door and entered her bathroom, she turned on the shower and removed her shirt, lifting it over her short chesnut brown hair. Then she took off her bra then she leaned down to take of her pants and underwear and put them in the hamper next to her. She stepped into the shower and made sure the water was nice and warm so she could relax.

While she was in the shower she couldn't help but think about how badly this was effecting Kaidan. She knew what needed to be done once she got out of the shower and when he awoke form his nap.

Joker was still sitting in the helm, still running checks on the ship. He glanced over at the security cameras and saw Shepard in the shower, but he quickly looked away when he saw her turn around. He looked at the other cameras to find Kaidan and saw him sleeping in a sleeperpod.

_Hmph, sleeping on the job Alenko... how unprofesional._ Joker turned his attention back to the navigations he made to get them to the Citadel, hoping that the council would come through for them this time and help Shepard in the fight to stop Saren. But he knew they didn't really like humans, or Shepard. Ecspecially the turian counciler, he never respected her when she told them mission reports or when she was stading before them at the Citadel explaining what had happened on Eden Prime.

He could never understand why they didn't trust her. Why would they make her a Spectre if they didn't trust her? "Aliens are so confusing..."

Kaidan had awoken from his nap and moved back to his post. He had again heard a swoosh come from behind him and he heard the foot steps of his Commander. The steps got closer to him but he did't want to look at her until she spoke, to make her think he was really working. The sound of the steps stopped, "Kaidan, do you think we could talk?"

"Sure." She motioned him towards the Mess Hall table to sit and have a drink. He took a seat while Shepard got them each something to drink. He preferred coffee, while she got herself tea. And she sat directly infront of him.

He was straring into his coffee to avoid from making eye contact. And Shepard was staring at him staring at his coffee. She noticed large dark circles under his eyes, idicating he must not have slept that long.

"So, I wanted to see how you were dealing with Ash's death. From what I've been hearing sounds like you haven't been doing so well."

His head snapped up and he started to blush, "Who did you hear that from?". She was amused by this and smiled.

"The Doctor told me you haven't been getting alot of sleep lately... And those circles under your eyes don't help hide it." She said, teasing him.

Now his face turned a deep shade of red, and he started rubbing the back of his neck. "I... I uh, guess Im not doing so great." He let go of the cup he was holding and folded his hands.

"I know how you feel, I don't like loosing people either."

"Yeah, its just hard. We were so close ,you know, all of us. You, me, and her." he said, sadly looking down at his fingers.

"Hey, don't worry. We'll get through this...together." she said, putting here hand on top of his. His hand was warm and smooth, so she tucked her fingers inside his. And at this he looked up, into her eyes and smiled.

"Commander, we've docked on the Citadel." Joker interrupted their conversation over the Comm. System.

"Tell Wrex to get suited up and meet me at the airlock Joker." she said, while still staring into Kaidan's eyes and her fingers still laced in his.

"You got it Commander." Said Joker.

She removed her hand from his and stood up, "Kaidan, go get your gear and meet me at the airlock."

He sat there in silence for a second before he answered, "Uh, yes ma'am."

A/N: Ok, I know if you've read this whole story you have to have some thoughts in mind. Please don't be too mean though, it'll make me sad... I know this isn't the best fanfic, but i did my best. I DID MY BEST!


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